| TRIGGERING.... |
[05 Sep 2006|03:28pm] |
so yah, last night it happend again. idk wats happening to me anymore...its like im turning back into that person i was for 8 years...i dont wanna be her anymore...i hated her. i hated her so fucking much its not even funny. idk...i took a sleeping pill to go to sleep...well half of one anyway. and theyre very strong...so y didnt i go str8 to sleep? i hate that medication bc it turns me into a completely different person or i do really weird things. well i was listening to music, trying to go to sleep and feeling VERY weird...and all of a sudden...my eyes POP open and i get up and find something sharp as hell. like a blade...one i didnt even know i had. i grabbed an old blood rag and went to town on my wrists. my left one has a few cuts that were kinda deep and 2 A's for Ally. and the right has the same thing and one A and ALLY. i woke up this morning barely remembering it. i was so pissed and scared that i cried. idk. its like when im like that i have no control anymore. my control had gotten so good too. and im afraid of my mom seeing it...but she's gonna know if she see's me w/ wrist bands on. and then wat? my dad may never take that job. i may get sent back to the hospital before it gets completely outta hand again. i dont know. my mom has enough shit going on...and i dont wanna hurt her. i mean i do too but its how i use to deal w/ things. i just dont wanna hurt her bc not even a month ago my uncle/ her oldest brother passed away. and it finally hit her a week ago. i dont wanna hurt my momma. i can't. so wtf am i suppose to do other than sit in my room? i dont want them to worry or think, "oh god no...not again."
i can't be that way again. i just can't. wtf am i suppose to do?
( WARNING...TRIGGERING... )
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[05 Sep 2006|07:55pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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Jesse Mccartney |
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why the fuck am i so fucking stupid? what did i do to deserve my math "skills"?
i mean why do we even need to learn math. it should be a choice. i fucking hate math and i fucking hate school.
its only the third week and i am already struggeling like crazy. i have a math quiz tomorrow and its just gonna be another one that i fail.
i suck at life.
just let me die.
please.
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